Common Ailments of the Average Student (and suggested remedies)

Recreational Insomnia (to be fair, this one was coined by Megan, but I have since thoroughly adopted it).

Symptoms and manifestations: The Recreational Insomniacs may find themselves, as the name suggests, unable to sleep for fear of missing fun. When school requires a sizable chunk of your life, sleep becomes less important than time with friends. The typical symptoms of insomnia (including but not limited to heightened looniness, decreased stability, and increased spontaneity) often become a desirable side effect, resulting in the insomniac being deemed as "more fun," much like being in a state of inebriation. Eventually, not sleeping becomes habit, and the insomniac will be unable to sleep regardless of the circumstances.

Suggested Remedies: Invest in Kevlar, high tech weapons, a loyal domestic servant, a sweet ride, and hire Hans Zimmer to compose a personal theme song for you, following the obvious course of action once said investments have been made. 

Spotlight Mind-blanking Syndrome

Symptoms and Manifestations: This is the effect one experiences when placed in the center of attention with a particular message to convey. The sufferer may prepare exhaustively before the presentation in question, only to instantly forget simple concepts once all attention has been focused onto him or her. Some symptoms include: nausea, sweating, uncontrolled gag reflexes, total memory loss, and verbal incoherency. 

Suggested Remedies: 

-Imbibe copious amounts of alcohol immediately before the dreaded event. (Youtube insists that no version of this clip be embedded, else it would already be here for your convenience)

-Clone yourself, sending said clone to do all the dirty work involved in presentations. *WARNING* Chances of clone retaliation are high. Also, the clone is highly likely to have the same conditions as the host.

Chronic Public Incoherency: 

Symptoms and Manifestations: This disorder is frequently and erroneously associated with Spotlight Mind-blanking Syndrome. The sufferer of this particular disorder is fully aware of what information needs to be presented (thus, there is no memory loss involved), yet is unable to communicate with the audience. The resulting frustration often manifests as gibberish, a regression back to a native language if in a foreign environment, or the frequent misspoken word. 

Suggested Remedies: The same alcohol solution for Spotlight Mind-blanking Syndrome can apply here, provided that the sufferer is careful not to reach the point of slurred speech. Otherwise, the sufferer can sacrifice entertainment in order to focus on being understandable. This often has the affect of ensuring that the audience isn't paying attention anyway. 

Quantum Performance Effect

Symptoms and Manifestations: This is less of a disorder, and more of a natural phenomenon that occurs when an individual's performance suddenly increases when being observed by an authority. The name is derived by a common notion in quantum mechanics, stating that a particle's behavior will change due to the influence of observation. In much the same way, a sub-par teacher or employee may suddenly acquire skills and discipline that were previously nonexistent, merely because of the addition of a third-party observer. The observer must, however, carry with him the threat of unemployment, or else the phenomenon does not occur.
This phenomenon extends beyond work performance, as can be seen here. 

Suggested Remedies: You can't remedy a phenomenon. Third party observers with no authority may acquire entertainment at the Quantum Performer's expense by periodically declaring that the boss has suddenly arrived.